Maslow’s hierarchy of conversation: why some friends thrive in groups while others in one-on-one

Maslow is credited as a brilliant psychologist but he also gave us the hierarchy of topics we talk about, depending on the number of people in the conversation, and the shared vulnerability.

“What is the Latin word for a place where three roads meet?” This was the first trivia question we had in our tipsy-trivia game night we hosted few years back. The answer to that trivia, and how Maslow would have been a great conversationalist is explored below, let’s dive in.

I love hosting friends at home for trivia or boardgames night. If you ever want to test your persuasion (or deception) skills— play Avalon with your friends. We did, and we lost many games, and few friends for a night. When mulling over my losses, I learned that I love playing Avalon with one group of friends, and others with others we enjoy our company in smaller groups or even 1:1.

Why is it that there are some friends with whom you can never hold a long conversation in one-on-one and yet enjoy their company in a big group? And why some would shine in a smaller setting, but would hate to be a in a big group? I found the answer in my university psychology class notes—Maslow.

As many of you’d be already familiar, Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a theory in psychology outlining human needs, starting with the most basic physiological needs and moving up to self-actualisation. It is represented as a pyramid with five levels: physiological needs, safety needs, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualisation.

If you’re a Bollywood fan, then at bottom of the pyramid to satisfy the physiological needs, you can imagine Bhuvan (Aamir Khan) rebelling against the Britishers for their oppressive tax. If we go up in the hierarchy, we’ll find Kabir (Sharukh Khan) giving a rousing speech to the women’s hockey team to bring back the nations pride in Chak De, India and at the top, we’d find the homeless Jordan (Ranbir Kapoor) trying to find himself in Rockstar.

Now, instead of hierarchy of needs, what if we see it as hierarchy of topics of conversation.

Conversation in a big group of eight or more people will be about food, sex, or if you’re unlucky, weather. Basic needs.

Cut to a smaller group of three to five, and you can slowly unmask, and reveal a bit about what ticks you off in your relationship, that unfulfilled ambitions of being a Youtuber, that sense of pride in finally getting that handstand right. Smaller group have comfortable silences.

Finally, you’re alone with your close friend, or that tier one friend. When you're alone with them, your insecurities come out. They have seen you puke at yourself outside the club, and they still held your hands. They laugh at your bookmarked Instagram reels that only you two would it funny. They are your whatsapp chat where you can send your grocery list as a reminder only for yourself. Only with them, you can’t be cancelled. You have a stockpile of stories, and mortifying videos to remind them of their inglorious past. They love you, on most days. Your journey of self-actualisation is not just your journey but a collective one with these selected friends.

Maslow is credited as a brilliant psychologist but he also gave us the hierarchy of topics we talk about, depending on the number of people in the conversation, and the shared vulnerability.

More people means more pull, and the conversation goes to the lowest level of hierarchy of topics.

It also boils down to our shared vulnerability. It can be overwhelming to be vulnerable—there’s a rise of therapy cause it gives you the safe space to be you. You can be easily vulnerable with a friend than in a large setting of people staring at you. One's **company, two's a crowd, and three's apathy?

More shared vulnerability, and your conversation topics ascends to higher topics. Like about how our parents might have been happier with way less, how much our childhood shaped us, and how we can probably never buy a house.

Lesser people + more vulnerability = you feel lighter

Why it’s important? Cause our environment shape us and it helps to be actively conscious about how we wanted to be shaped.

And every friend has a place. It’d be oddly terrifying to be with the friend who’s always deep, or on the other hand to be with a friend who seeks the solution of every problem in that next drink. Every friend has a place and if we’re conscious the role each of them play in our lives, we will have more control of who we become.

I often ask myself if I have a group of friends who can distract me without asking about my life? Yes,sir. And do I also have friends who don’t need their phone or alcohol to talk for hours about they almost got a nose surgery due to their insecurities, how they can’t keep their smart garden alive so they can’t even imagine to have a kid, or how they’re dealing with depression—just being imperfect.

Luckily, I do. And we often play Avalon, too.

And you? (asking for a friend).

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PS: Thanks to Ramya, Hari, Manvi, Anamika, Madhu, Aarti, Namrata, Sandhya, Akshay and many others who helped with this.

PPS: If you’re still reading to know the answer to the trivia, it is trivia. :)